Is This $48 Inflatable Dinosaur Costume Worth It?

Saturday, October 13, 2018


I am a nightmare Halloween dad because I am too cheap to buy my children new costumes every year, but I’m also too lazy to help them make fresh homemade ones. Five minutes of doing crafts ages my spine three years, and so my children are eternally nagging me to suck it up and plunk down $50 for some piece of shit costume at Spirit Halloween that is almost certainly coated in 100 layers of asbestos.

But this year, my 12-year-old daughter struck upon a tidy compromise, in which she offered to PAY for her own Halloween costume. You might think it’s monstrous to take money from a child for the simple right to have a nice outfit for trick-or-treating, but I am not plagued by such crises of consciousness. Besides, I’m the one who GAVE her allowance in the first place. Really, all I did was make a deposit on her future purchases.

For this Halloween, my daughter asked to buy an inflatable dinosaur costume, specifically this one, which costs $48 over at Amazon, depending on which size you get. You’ve likely seen this costume out in the wild, either on YouTube, or maybe from the time a Broncos cheerleader dressed as one for her squad’s routine.

I have no idea who invented the inflatable dinosaur costume. I have no idea why dinosaurs became the inflatable Halloween mascot of choice. All I know is that my daughter wanted one, and she had the dough, and so I let her buy it. I also told her not to break it before Halloween, but I already know that directive will go unheeded.

Anyway, my daughter spends the next few days incessantly asking if the package has arrived yet, because the bulk of childhood in 2018 consists of your little ones tracking some goddamn Amazon package, then ordering something else and repeating the process all over again. It finally comes and she immediately jumps into it.

Lemme tell you people something: that costume was worth EVERY GODDAMN PENNY. Every last one. If it had cost $70, I wouldn’t have even been mad. The second your child walks into the kitchen dressed as a fucking eight-foot dinosaur, all your problems fade away. It’s so breathtakingly, wonderfully stupid. I can’t get enough. She set the table in the costume the other night and I nearly died laughing. The girl even found a second use for the costume when she wore it to some protest the other day. NO ONE CAN IGNORE A DINOSAUR PROTESTER. Your voice will be heard, I assure you.

Of course, the real reason my kid got this costume was so she could make videos with it and rack up sweet likes from all her online friends. And so it has come to pass. Here’s a video of me in a bear costume (I had one lying around) fighting with her to settle the age old dispute of BEAR VERSUS DINOSAUR. Behold!

I’m gonna buy a dozen more of these things. If Trump conducted the rest of his presidency in one, I would vote for him.