5 Obvious Lessons Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Characters Still Haven't Learned
A reaction to the sequel's final trailer.
The final trailer for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is here. And the more I watch it, the more I was distracted by one simple fact: these characters are incapable of learning from the past.
They have 25 years of calamity to guide them, and yet, they keep on making the same exact mistakes. If the titular “Fallen Kingdom” is humanity itself, and THESE are our brightest minds, then let that kingdom burn, baby. We had our time. (All snarkiness aside, we are still looking forward to seeing this movie.)
Here are 5 lessons that these dumb-dumbs haven’t learned after 25 years of dino-mayhem.
Stop Going Back to the Islands
Let’s start with an easy one. Count how many times, in this franchise alone, going to a dinosaur-infested island has worked out well in the end.. Every Jurassic Park movie after the original has had us slapping our forehead saying “why would you go back there!?” Yes, Jurassic World operated for years without incident, but the second that Indominus Rex broke out of its enclosure in the previous film, that should’ve been it, right? And yet here we are again - Claire and Owen go back to save some dinosaurs. How do we think THIS return trip is gonna go?
Small Cages and Big Dinosaurs
Characters in this franchise do not respect boundaries, whether they’re moral or painted on the ground. Remember the first scene of Jurassic Park, when that guy gets obliterated because he’s too close to the cage? Well, Claire and Owen sure don’t. The trailer opens with them tip-toeing around a tranquilized dinosaur, presumably to help it. But what exactly are Owen and Claire thinking here? They have like, four feet between them and a hurricane of teeth and prehistoric rage and they think leaving the door CRACKED OPEN is good enough? Why not just open it all the way? And wait a minute, why does Claire even need to be in here in the first place? Is it to hand whatever’s on her belt to Owen? If that’s the case, guess what Claire, THERE ARE WINDOWS ON THAT CAGE BIG ENOUGH TO PASS THAT THROUGH.
Make These Girls Less Clever
We know that the plot of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom revolves around weaponizing dinosaurs to sell to the highest bidder. They’re being bred to maximize their destructive power... but come on, do they really need to be able to open doors? We’re at the point where we can create hybrids of dinosaurs. We’re probably like two movies away from giving them telekinesis, but we can’t breed out the door-opening skill?
Stop Trusting Rich People
There’s a constant in the Jurassic Park series: rich people can’t be trusted. We’ve seen it time and again. And again.
But no one’s told Claire that. For some reason, she trusts Mills here enough to recruit Owen for the dino-rescue operation. Now, do we think his intentions are pure… or will he sell the heck out of every one of those monsters Claire and Owen bring back? Here’s a good rule of thumb, Jurassic Park characters: if someone’s wardrobe looks like it cost more than $100, whatever they’re asking you to do is not going to go well.
LIFE FINDS A WAY!
It all boils down to this: "Life finds a way." It’s the most quotable line from Jurassic Park for a reason. It’s a concise mission statement for the entire franchise - we just cannot control nature. Ian Malcolm even does us the service of repeating it for us in the last trailer in case we forgot somehow. Life finds a way to wake up from tranquilizers at inopportune times. Life finds a way to break out of small cages. Life finds a way to open a window. Or a door.
Maybe life will find a way to let us ignore all the lessons the characters in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom should’ve learned by now… but I doubt it.